Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Frank, Frank, Frank - Interview with a Schleck

I got a chance to sit down with Frank Schleck for an intimate, one on one interview; an exclusive for the Luna Cycles Big Deal Fantasy Tour de France presented by Uncle Chuck's New School Pregreaser - guaranteed not to cause a positive doping test provided you don't ingest or get it on bare skin.

Me: Frank, first let me say thank you for allowing me to speak with you.

Frank: You're welcome.

Me: Let me get right to the point. How the f*%k you test positive and get forced to withdraw from the Tour de France on a rest day?

Frank: I don't know, man. They say they got a positive A sample for diuretics.

Me: But seriously, Frank, why you gonna dope on a rest day when you already sucking hind teat and nothing gonna change that? What you trying to do - get a stage win?

Frank: I didn't do it, but they say they got evidence. I don't know man, I musta been poisoned or something.

Me: Well, listen man. I know you don't drink. I know this, but I'm gonna get you druuunk today. You ain't in no race. You ain't got sh*t to do...

Frank: Get outta here with that. I ain't trying to do nothing like that. I gotta start my defense preparation...

Well, that's it. I'm booking a flight and ditching this race. There is no mystery left. Wiggins, Froome, Nibali - there's your podium in Paris. Maybe somebody will do something surprising, but that slim chance isn't worth following this circus in person. The most interesting thing right now is Peter Sagan and I can watch his autographing sessions on pay-per-view in the States.

As for our Fantasy Tour, Quint Ervin looks to have this one sewn up pretty tight. I'm gonna say that Margi and Team Don't Call It A Comeback are going to overtake Jeff Welch and Team Dottatope for 2nd in Paris. As for everyone else, better start rebuilding for next year.

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