Saturday, June 28, 2008

New Product Newsflash!

Ever felt that you just weren't getting the maximum comfort out of your saddle and chamois combo? Felt dissatisfied by various chamois cream products? Ever wanted to know what US Time Trial champion Dave Zabriskie's crotch smelled like? Well the answer to all of these questions can be found right now, at Luna Cycles!

We now proudly stock DZNuts chamois cream for your chamois-time pleasure! Pleasantly scented and slicker than snail snot, DZNuts is designed for LOTS of time in the saddle.

From the packaging:
Proper MAINTAINTANCE of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.

It truly is time to wet your chamois with excitement!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Outer Banks Headwind Tour

I'm finally recovered enough and back in the swing of non-vacation life enough to write about our trip. We took off from Manteo, not knowing how Owen would respond to doing A LOT of miles in the trailer and not knowing how he was going to take camping in a tent for a week. Both things he took completely in stride and never had an issue, other than thinking the tent was a little play room and wanting to do crawling laps all over mom and dad when they were ready for sleep.

We battled STRONG headwinds and heat from Manteo all the way to Ocracoke. If you ever need to get strong in a hurry, tow a baby trailer behind you into a headwind for a few hours a day. I had to tell myself I was being belgian by pulling into the wind all day, every day and the trailer just amplified that feeling.

We had a great time, played in the ocean and on the beach, saw lots of boats plus 3 lighthouses, ate some great seafood and enjoyed an awesome tailwind all the way home!

We have a winner... finally!

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- After much deliberation in which both the FUCI and FADA did eveything they could in order to figure out a way to disqualify him, DS Jack Brown's Team Mahagoff has won the Luna Cycles Fantasy Dauphine Libere presented by Chuck L's Old-Fashioned Brown Eye Ointment.

The Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France is gearing up and FUCI president, Julian Pomme de Terre has released a statement outlining the rules for this year's race:

Because the Tour de France is a french race, we require that every team, in addition to having their usual 3 riders, must include a fourth french rider on the team. This french rider will be scored differently from non-french riders in that scoring will be for a finish in the top 40 on the day's stage. A win by a french rider will be worth 200 pts. as opposed to the 100 pts. given for non-french riders. The points scale will be adjusted accordingly from there. Teams whose points totals for the days stage are in the top 3 for that stage will also receive a point bonus a la the Dauphine. Point bonuses of 50 points will be given for every day that one of your riders wears the maillot vert, blanc or maillot a pois, but not for the maillot jaune. This should prove to be an exciting race, so teams will not be allowed to have more than two riders in common. In the event that more than two riders are shared, the team that submits their roster first will have precedence and the other will be informed to resubmit. All team rosters will be due the Thursday prior to the start of the race.

Final Results

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I'm out

Sorry for the delay in scoring the Dauphine. Ever since 3 frenchmen made a break stick and Tom Boonen tested positive for cocaine, I've just been out of sorts. To put things right, I'm leaving for a bike tour of the Outer Banks in about 5 hours. I'll sort out the mess of the Dauphine when I return and our ignominous winner will be duly crowned and heckled!

Thursday, June 12, 2008


Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- An unthinkable stage ending resulted in all but one team being shut out of the top 10. Team High Life presented by Miller racked up big points with a runaway stage victory with a 45 point differential to the rest of the teams.

In other news, Ricardo Cabeza, head of FADA, has issued a statement in reference to recent allegations against GS Spurtschnookers and Team Birra Carolini.

After investigating recent allegations, FADA has determined that there is no evidence of widespread doping within GS Spurtschnookers and Team Birra Carolini. After conducting surprise inspections at rider's homes, we are satisfied that there is no systematic use of orange juice and cat urine in order to boost athletic performance. While most riders had several cats as pets and had small orange groves in their backyards, these things do not constitute evidence of doping. We must now turn our attention to the fact that there were 3 french riders who crossed the line first in today's stage of the Dauphine. Come on, a french rider winning a stage is suspicious enough, but the top 3? That's got doping written all over it.

Complete Results

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Day 3 Dauphine surprise

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- Little success among the teams is keeping things close. Team Mahagoff still leads, but the point differentials aren't enough to say there is anybody walking away with this one... yet.

In other news, Julian Pomme de Terre, head of the UFCI has announced that an investigation is being opened regarding allegations that both GS Spurtschnookers and Team Birra Carolini are involved in a performance enhancement drug ring. An unidentified witness has testified to FADA that both teams have been using a new substance made from orange juice and cat urine. Ricardo Cabeza, FADA commissioner, was unable to be reached for comment at press time.

Complete Results

Sunday, June 08, 2008

The Dauphine begins

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- After a red eye flight direct from the French Riviera, I have arrived just in time for the prologue of the Dauphine Libere. Team Mahagoff scored a big win by landing the first 3 places in the prologue. The race is on and bonus points could prove a big deciding factor in this short 7 stage tune-up for the Tour de France.

Complete Results

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Getting in gear

thanks Bobkestrut

As I sun myself beside the cool, azure blue waters of the Mediterranean, I can't help but reflect on the epic, hard fought battles of the Luna Cycles Fantasy Giro d'Italia presented by Chuck L's Mangina Cream. As the directeurs sportif make preparations for le grand boucle in July, they must now turn their attention to the Luna Cycles Fantasy Dauphine Libere. Due to the anti-doping crusade of both the FADA and UFCI, little notice is being given to teams of this upcoming race. To that end, entries for this race are due to me by 8am EST on June 8th. The format for this race is slightly tweaked from the Giro. Choose 3 riders. They will be given the usual points based on their finish in the top 20. In addition, there will be point bonuses of 20 pts, 10 pts and 5 pts to the top 3 teams of that day's stage, based on placing points. This is a test run of one of the scoring changes for the upcoming Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Chuck L's Old-Fashioned Brown Eye Ointment. Get those entries in tout suite!

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Bottle caps fly as Fantasy Giro wraps up!

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- As his team downed the classic Luna Cycles Fantasy Giro d'Italia presented by Chuck L's Mangina Cream winner's bottles of Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine, DS Ron Swenson was able to reflect on how Team Shooting Star Racing was able to hold the maglia rosa all the way to the finish.

Shooting Star Racing would like to thank the organizers of the Luna Cycles Fantasy Giro d'Italia presented by Chuck L's Mangina Cream for putting on a great race. We are honored to have won this first edition of the Giro against a first rate field and anticipate an equally exciting Tour de France in July. Our team is savoring this victory now and will begin preparing for a defense at the Tour. We have no comment at this time about the "points for prostitutes" scandal or the alledged accusations leveled at officials regarding scoring inconsistencies.

Director Sportiff - Shooting Star Racing

Ron Swenson

The UFCI released a statement congratulating Swenson and his team.

We are sincere in our congratulations to Team Shooting Star Racing for showing that a team can win without resorting to the immoral tactics that lesser talented teams have come to rely on. We look forward to seeing Mr. Swenson try to win the Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Chuck L's Old Fashioned Brown Eye Ointment in July.

Julian Pomme de Terre, Director UFCI

Another hotly contested prize was sewn up by DS Jeff Welch's team as they scored zero points in their 12th stage of this 21 stage race. This truly remarkable performance earned Welch the coveted maglia nero. It remains to be seen if Welch plans on trying to capture the lanterne rouge in July.

John McMenemy's Team Cheeseballs and DS Todd Braswell's team took 2nd and 3rd respectively. Congratulations to all of the competitors for a hard fought race.

Final Results