Unimportant action dominates stage

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- Today's stage of the Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Uncle Chuck's Depilatory Cream for Men, "For all your hard to reach hairy places!" made little impact on the overall standings of the teams. As men of little consequence were given room for fleeting glory, the real players in this poker game on wheels marked each other and called as the bet came to them. In the coming days, we shall see these men throw "all in" in an effort to win the maillot jaune and distance themselves from the competition.

Moises Duenas, however, will not be in the mix as he has been very naughty with respect to illicit substances. Not only did he pop positive for EPO after the stage 4 TT, but a subsequent search of his hotel room found lots of things he shouldn't have possessed. Isn't it interesting though that we are seeing climbers getting doping positives for time trial stages. After targeting the 10 riders with suspicious blood values, 2 have now come up positive. Who will be next?

Complete Results

Rest day

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- The only thing guaranteed to be more boring than a Tour de France with Lance Armstrong racing in it is the Tour rest day. But in what has become a Tour that defies categorization, the rest day proved to be full of theatrics as well. Today, all 17 ProTour teams participating in the TdF announced that they would not renew their ProTour licenses. This sets up an interesting set of scenarios with regards to the current anti-doping crusade within cycling.

Firstly, a rider like Floyd Landis who serves his two-year suspension (ending in Jan. 2009) now finds himself capable of returning to the top end of professional cycling since the Pro Tour Code of Ethics banning riders from riding for Pro Tour teams is no longer applicable if there is no Pro Tour. Could Landis be spared banishment to the doper's purgatory of Rock Racing?

Second, in an effort to appear completely, 100% squeaky clean, above reproach, "this isn't about money, it's about integrity", anti=doping the teams shut out riders like Landis, who legitimately serve their two year suspensions and want to return to the sport. This would be incredibly bad and, one could argue, short-sighted given the extreme anti-doping stance of David Millar, a convicted doper who served his suspension and returned to the forefront of pro cycling.

Third, the whole sport comes crashing down and next July I'll have to content myself with play by play of Extreme Cage Fighting on Vs. Good god, I hope somebody does something to make everybody come to their senses before that happens...

Changing of the guard

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- Team Far North leapt into 1st place on GC today after strong performance by Ricardo Ricco put him in both the maillot a pois and the maillot blanc. Strong showings by Ricco and Sandy Casar also gave Team Far North the stage win on Hautacam today. Team Baisez-vous! began their march to the top of the GC today with a strong second place showing in Hautacam.

*Reporter's note: a birthday celebration for Mike McClinton turned ugly as several directeurs sportif drank more liquor than would normally be advisable. Your humble reporter was definitely in the course de la tete and paid dearly for his efforts on Sunday. Thus, no posting until today.


Complete Results

Tricky, tricky...

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- Howard Hesterberg continues to dominate the Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Uncle Chuck's Depilatory Cream for Men, "For all your hard to reach hairy places!", in what is shaping up to be a wild and unpredictable race.

In other race news: Manuel Beltran became the first positive test in the Tour this year. If the B sample confirms the result, this will set Team Liquigas back a cool 100,000 euros in ASO fines. Beltran's positive nullified his placing in the fantasy race, moving frenchman Sandy Casar up to 35th place. Also of note, Team Basez-vous! lost half of their team with Christophe Moreau and John Gadret failed to make the time cut off and are now out of the race.

*Reporter's note: My apologies for the lack of daily reports. I have been in a secluded retreat, preparing for today's Grizzly metric century. Up until now, I have been adhering to a rigorous training schedule that focused on positive visualization and active rest. I felt it necessary to take a break from this regimen, clear the important chakras and detach myself from this physical reality in order to arrive at the line refreshed and ready. Now that The Grizzly is done, I can get back to my real fantasy job of reporting on fantasy cycling.

Complete Results

Huge win for Hesterberg!

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- The sensations were more than good for Team Birra Carolini today as they approached the start ramp of the first individual time trial of this year's Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Uncle Chuck's Depilatory Cream for Men, "For all your hard to reach hairy places!" with all cylinders firing. Remarkably, all 4 riders for Team Birra Carolini placed in the points with Sylvain Chavenal earning an incredible 140 points for his performance.

True to form, Team Not Caught Yet has indeed been caught and passed by Birra Carolini for the top spot in the GC. Further danger is posed at the head of affairs by Team Crawford Complete Auto as they muscled their way into the top 3 on the GC.

Despite huge points gaps among the competitors, Birra Carolini's performance today shows that huge point gains are possible in a single stage and that this year's Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Uncle Chuck's Depilatory Cream for Men, "For all your hard to reach hairy places!" will continue to excite and delight with its remarkably volatile nature.

Complete Results

The 7th Seal

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- Fantastically, improbably a Frenchman won the third stage of the Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Uncle Chuck's Depilatory Cream for Men "For all your hard to reach hairy places!". Not only did a Frenchman find his way to the line before anyone else, but now a Frenchman has donned the maillot jaune. Could Romain Feillu be the next Bernard Hinault? Or is he the next Jean-Francois Bernard?

After this reporter's assessment of Team Crawford Complete Auto came out with all cylinders firing. Their stage win netted them 140 points, moving them into 4th place overall. DS Jason Darden did not react well to the criticism of his team, but his fire may have been the catalyst that his team needed.

Team Not Caught Yet is still leading the GC, but 3 teams are rising fast and now the difference between the top 4 teams is only 60 points.

Complete Results

Winkler maintains early lead, devasting team implosion likely

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- John McMenemy's Team Meatballs took an impressive win in today's stage of the Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Uncle Chuck's Depilatory Cream for Men, "For all your hard to reach hairy places!". However, the special classifications bonuses are proving to be the decisive factor in the General Classification competition as Team Not Caught Yet maintain their lead in the overall.

Directeur sportif Eddie Winkler's team is known for surprisingly fast starts, but their performances this year leave little doubt that their success is just a phase that they will soon ride their way out of.

Also of note is the meteoric downfall of Team La Negro as they shoot down the rankings. Having seen a glimmer of success in the opening stage, they have overcome this out of character performance and gotten back to their tried and true method of mindlessly turning the pedals as if out on a coffee ride. Perhaps they will stumble upon another successful performance at a later date.

Aging veteran DS Jason Darden also finds himself saddled with also rans as Team Crawford Complete Auto has yet to find any good sensations in their legs or anywhere else for that matter.

Not surprisingly, the all french team Baisez-vous! finds themselves in last place with a vengeance. While the press concentrates on the anti-doping efforts of such high profile teams as Columbia and Garmin-Chipotle pb H3O, Baisez-vous! may turn the tide and show the downside of all the anti-doping hysteria. Perhaps next year the french riders will get TUE's for lacking talent...

Complete Results

Tour underway

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- An unorthodox and nervous start to this year's Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Uncle Chuck's Depilatory Cream for Men, "For all those hard to reach hairy places!", has already seen one French rider abandon. Herve Duclos-Lasalle lost a fight with a musette in the feed zone, breaking his wrist in the process. Frenchman Jerome Pineau got lost in the bunch and discovered himself at the head of affairs, netting himself an improbable 3rd place on the stage. Otherwise, things were decidedly ordinary as no other Frenchman managed to make it into the top 40.

As for the day's stage, Team Not Caught Yet has taken the lead in the Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Uncle Chuck's Depilatory Cream for Men, "For all those hard to reach hairy places!", despite being beaten for the stage win by Team Birra Carolini. Surprisingly, directeurs sportif Charles Hicks and Jeff Welch sit in 2nd and 3rd overall, signaling a reversal of fortune for their teams which have, thus far this season, sucked.

In other news, the Amoury Fantasy Sports Organization announced today that 100 points would be awarded to any team whose French rider wears the maillot jaune. Further, they announced harsh fines for any team who has a rider test positive during the Fantasy Tour. If a fantasy team loses a rider due to a doping violation, the directeur sportif must pay a fine of one (1) double-iced americano with cream. Their hope is that this will make directeurs sportif "think twice" before allowing a suspicious rider on the fantasy team.

Complete Results

Fantasy Tour de France entry deadline extended

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- The Amoury Fantasy Sports Organization has announced that the deadline for team entries in this year's Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Uncle Chuck's Depilatory Cream for Men, "For all your hard to reach hairy places!", has been extended to midnight tonight. There are currently 11 teams entered.

Independence Day

Each summer since we have lived here, Golden and I have had some big thing planned for each summer. Cross country road trips occurred a couple of times, but mainly we have been staying closer to home and concentrating our efforts on big home improvement projects. The one constant of our summers in Lenoir has been that I usually do something pretty stupid, but manage not to do any permanent damage to myself.

This summer is no different. The big project, currently underway, is building a new porch on the side of the house. Now the old porch and me... let's just say we have some history. Ever since the porch tried to kill me, I've had it in for it.

It was July 4th, about 3 or 4 years ago. G and I had gone for a 3ish hour ride, planning to grill steaks and drink beer and generally enjoy the holiday. We got home, put up the bikes and decided that she would shower, while I got the grill started.

Now, let me preface by saying that I am a long time devotee of gas grills, so our new charcoal grill was a bit of a new experience for me. I put in the briquettes and tried to light them. No go. I tried to use kindling a la campfire starting. No go.

For anyone who knows me, it probably isn't readily apparent that I am an analytical thinker who considers problems carefully before enacting a solution. So I considered my problem of how to start the charcoal without the use of lighter fluid, since I didn't have any and didn't especially want to make the trek to get any.

I remembered that I had Coleman stove fuel. You know the big gallon metal can of white gas. Owing to the fact that I have had an unfortunate incident with this very substance which nearly started a forest fire in the White Mtns. of eastern Arizona, I was naturally cautious about how to approach the proper use of the fuel in this situation.

I went down and got the can, brought it up to the porch where the grill was located and proceeded to pour a small amount into the cap of the metal can. I poured the fuel onto the charcoal and tried to light it. A little tiny, infinitesimal flame barely licked one of the briquettes . Now I thought to myself, "Just pour a little more on and it should be all good, but be CAREFUL!" So, I tipped the can up and just poured a dash of the gas onto the briquettes.

I distinctly remember watching the little tiny nothing of a flame grow very large and travel up the stream of gas towards the can in my hands. I distinctly remember thinking, "OK, don't panic. This isn't a problem. You can deal with this." There was now a flame at the opening of the can. I knew that the solution was to just set the can down, and put the lid on it to deprive the flame of oxygen and smother it out. I slowly put the can down, but somehow the bottom edge of the can caught in the space between two of the porch decking boards and caused it to tip over, spilling flaming, white gas all over my porch.

The neighbor across the street immediately yelled, "You got a far!" To which I thought, "No s*it, I'm in the middle of a burning lake of fire." I ran inside the house, yelling, "Call 911! Call 911!" Golden looked at me, fresh from her shower, and said, "What have you done?" in an eerie deadpan. I called 911 and got the firetrucks on the way.

I went back outside, where I discovered a small crowd of people had gathered in the hopes of watching my house burn down. One of them was my neighbor from a few doors down, who a co-worker of mine had always referred to as "Dumbass David". It is completely relevant to this story to tell you that David drove a riding lawn mower everywhere because he was no longer allowed to ride moped due to causing an accident to an ambulance while chasing fire trucks on their way to a call. In southern parlance, David is someone who would be referred to as "simple" and would usually have "bless his heart" uttered after his name. As in, "Oh you know David, bless his heart, didn't mean to run over that dog with his lawn mower."

David came right up to me and said, "Where's your hose?" Realizing pretty quickly that a probable pyromaniac of questionable mental ability was probably not anyone's number one pick for go-to guy in this situation, I said we should wait for the fire department to arrive. Sure enough, red trucks with lights and sirens come blasting down the street. A bunch of guys pile out, hoses are pulled out and I walk up to them and say, "It's a white stove fuel fire." Hoses go back up, chemical extinguishers come out and after about 30 seconds, I'm no longer barbecuing my porch.

The head guy from the fire crew came over to me and asked me what caused the fire. I replied, "I was doing something stupid." I like to think that the expression that flashed across his face was an appreciation of my blunt honesty, but I can't be sure. Needless to say, however, is that that was the day the porch tried to kill me and I swore that I would kill it first.

So now porch is torn off, but hidden by its decrepitude was a 10ft. section of rotten sill that ran from the front corner of my house to the midway point of the wall. I had no choice but to cut it out and replace it. This meant jacking up the corner of the house from underneath and then cutting the board out and putting a new one in. A touchy, tricky affair, but doable.

This brings me to an inescapable rule of carpentry in the Moore family: I will hit myself in the head (one of the balusters from the porch railing) and my Dad will, at the very least, bleed profusely from some wound that he is completely unaware of. So, here we are, father and son, carefully preparing to undertake this daunting task. We are prepared to stick the sawzall into the hole in the board and we get my Mom to do a final check to make sure we won't cut anything but the sill. Mom gives us the all clear from down in the basement and we start cutting.

If you have never used a sawzall, I highly recommend trying it out. Pick some unneccesary wall in your house and just cut a big ol' hole in it. It is immensely satisfying, I assure you. Anyway, we are cutting right along and we hit a little something and a spark jumps out. Dad stops cutting and we figure he must have hit a nail. He starts cutting again and my Mom runs out of the basement, yelling "Stop! Stop!"

Let me pause here and tell you that we have been trying, unsuccessfully, to kill my father for many years. Like the Terminator, nothing seems to phase him and his cutting through a 220 volt, live electrical wire with the sawzall, was no different.

It seems that my Mom giving us the all clear, was part of a grander master plan to, for once and for all, dispose of my Dad in an "accidental" way. We got the sill replaced, but now my Dad is truly convinced of his invincibility and my stove doesn't work until the electrician comes to rewire it.

So, enjoy your Independence Day! and don't do anything that I would do...

Tour kicks off this weekend!

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- Both the Tour de france and the more prominent and better known Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Uncle Chuck's Classic Depilatory Cream for Men, start this weekend. The most talented and hard working directeurs sportif have been working hard to finalize their rosters for this, the most important event in the cycling and fantasy cycling world.

But this wouldn't be a Tour de France (fantasy or otherwise) without a scandal and a small contretemps has already arisen for Charles Bennett and his Far North Team. Mr. Bennett tried to circumvent the new rule requiring at least 1 french rider per team by including the french-sounding Phillipe Gilbert on his squad. A warning letter was sent to Mr. Bennett by the FUCI, but he has yet to respond.

Other than the deception of Mr. Bennett, no issues have arisen from the team submissions and all riders are fit to compete for their respective teams. The deadline for team rosters is Thursday at midnight.

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Outer Banks Headwind Tour

I'm finally recovered enough and back in the swing of non-vacation life enough to write about our trip. We took off from Manteo, not knowing how Owen would respond to doing A LOT of miles in the trailer and not knowing how he was going to take camping in a tent for a week. Both things he took completely in stride and never had an issue, other than thinking the tent was a little play room and wanting to do crawling laps all over mom and dad when they were ready for sleep.

We battled STRONG headwinds and heat from Manteo all the way to Ocracoke. If you ever need to get strong in a hurry, tow a baby trailer behind you into a headwind for a few hours a day. I had to tell myself I was being belgian by pulling into the wind all day, every day and the trailer just amplified that feeling.

We had a great time, played in the ocean and on the beach, saw lots of boats plus 3 lighthouses, ate some great seafood and enjoyed an awesome tailwind all the way home!

We have a winner... finally!

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- After much deliberation in which both the FUCI and FADA did eveything they could in order to figure out a way to disqualify him, DS Jack Brown's Team Mahagoff has won the Luna Cycles Fantasy Dauphine Libere presented by Chuck L's Old-Fashioned Brown Eye Ointment.

The Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France is gearing up and FUCI president, Julian Pomme de Terre has released a statement outlining the rules for this year's race:

Because the Tour de France is a french race, we require that every team, in addition to having their usual 3 riders, must include a fourth french rider on the team. This french rider will be scored differently from non-french riders in that scoring will be for a finish in the top 40 on the day's stage. A win by a french rider will be worth 200 pts. as opposed to the 100 pts. given for non-french riders. The points scale will be adjusted accordingly from there. Teams whose points totals for the days stage are in the top 3 for that stage will also receive a point bonus a la the Dauphine. Point bonuses of 50 points will be given for every day that one of your riders wears the maillot vert, blanc or maillot a pois, but not for the maillot jaune. This should prove to be an exciting race, so teams will not be allowed to have more than two riders in common. In the event that more than two riders are shared, the team that submits their roster first will have precedence and the other will be informed to resubmit. All team rosters will be due the Thursday prior to the start of the race.

Final Results

I'm out

Sorry for the delay in scoring the Dauphine. Ever since 3 frenchmen made a break stick and Tom Boonen tested positive for cocaine, I've just been out of sorts. To put things right, I'm leaving for a bike tour of the Outer Banks in about 5 hours. I'll sort out the mess of the Dauphine when I return and our ignominous winner will be duly crowned and heckled!

Disaster!

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- An unthinkable stage ending resulted in all but one team being shut out of the top 10. Team High Life presented by Miller racked up big points with a runaway stage victory with a 45 point differential to the rest of the teams.

In other news, Ricardo Cabeza, head of FADA, has issued a statement in reference to recent allegations against GS Spurtschnookers and Team Birra Carolini.

After investigating recent allegations, FADA has determined that there is no evidence of widespread doping within GS Spurtschnookers and Team Birra Carolini. After conducting surprise inspections at rider's homes, we are satisfied that there is no systematic use of orange juice and cat urine in order to boost athletic performance. While most riders had several cats as pets and had small orange groves in their backyards, these things do not constitute evidence of doping. We must now turn our attention to the fact that there were 3 french riders who crossed the line first in today's stage of the Dauphine. Come on, a french rider winning a stage is suspicious enough, but the top 3? That's got doping written all over it.

Complete Results

Day 3 Dauphine surprise

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- Little success among the teams is keeping things close. Team Mahagoff still leads, but the point differentials aren't enough to say there is anybody walking away with this one... yet.

In other news, Julian Pomme de Terre, head of the UFCI has announced that an investigation is being opened regarding allegations that both GS Spurtschnookers and Team Birra Carolini are involved in a performance enhancement drug ring. An unidentified witness has testified to FADA that both teams have been using a new substance made from orange juice and cat urine. Ricardo Cabeza, FADA commissioner, was unable to be reached for comment at press time.

Complete Results

The Dauphine begins

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- After a red eye flight direct from the French Riviera, I have arrived just in time for the prologue of the Dauphine Libere. Team Mahagoff scored a big win by landing the first 3 places in the prologue. The race is on and bonus points could prove a big deciding factor in this short 7 stage tune-up for the Tour de France.

Complete Results

Getting in gear

thanks Bobkestrut











As I sun myself beside the cool, azure blue waters of the Mediterranean, I can't help but reflect on the epic, hard fought battles of the Luna Cycles Fantasy Giro d'Italia presented by Chuck L's Mangina Cream. As the directeurs sportif make preparations for le grand boucle in July, they must now turn their attention to the Luna Cycles Fantasy Dauphine Libere. Due to the anti-doping crusade of both the FADA and UFCI, little notice is being given to teams of this upcoming race. To that end, entries for this race are due to me by 8am EST on June 8th. The format for this race is slightly tweaked from the Giro. Choose 3 riders. They will be given the usual points based on their finish in the top 20. In addition, there will be point bonuses of 20 pts, 10 pts and 5 pts to the top 3 teams of that day's stage, based on placing points. This is a test run of one of the scoring changes for the upcoming Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Chuck L's Old-Fashioned Brown Eye Ointment. Get those entries in tout suite!

Bottle caps fly as Fantasy Giro wraps up!

Lenoir, NC (LC Press)- As his team downed the classic Luna Cycles Fantasy Giro d'Italia presented by Chuck L's Mangina Cream winner's bottles of Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine, DS Ron Swenson was able to reflect on how Team Shooting Star Racing was able to hold the maglia rosa all the way to the finish.

Shooting Star Racing would like to thank the organizers of the Luna Cycles Fantasy Giro d'Italia presented by Chuck L's Mangina Cream for putting on a great race. We are honored to have won this first edition of the Giro against a first rate field and anticipate an equally exciting Tour de France in July. Our team is savoring this victory now and will begin preparing for a defense at the Tour. We have no comment at this time about the "points for prostitutes" scandal or the alledged accusations leveled at officials regarding scoring inconsistencies.

Director Sportiff - Shooting Star Racing

Ron Swenson

The UFCI released a statement congratulating Swenson and his team.

We are sincere in our congratulations to Team Shooting Star Racing for showing that a team can win without resorting to the immoral tactics that lesser talented teams have come to rely on. We look forward to seeing Mr. Swenson try to win the Luna Cycles Fantasy Tour de France presented by Chuck L's Old Fashioned Brown Eye Ointment in July.

Julian Pomme de Terre, Director UFCI

Another hotly contested prize was sewn up by DS Jeff Welch's team as they scored zero points in their 12th stage of this 21 stage race. This truly remarkable performance earned Welch the coveted maglia nero. It remains to be seen if Welch plans on trying to capture the lanterne rouge in July.

John McMenemy's Team Cheeseballs and DS Todd Braswell's team took 2nd and 3rd respectively. Congratulations to all of the competitors for a hard fought race.


Final Results