Unretirement

Now that Armstrong let the cat out of the bag, no self respecting retired pro cyclist is going to sit idly by and watch LA get all the glory. Michael Boogerd and Joseba Beloki are both considering returning to the peloton. But Jan Ullrich has issued an emphatic, if not muffled, "Nein!" when the question was posed to him while consuming his weight in schnitzel.

Up next will be the unretirement of the Merckx's. When questioned about who would ride for whom, Eddy stated, "Axel knows he should be honored to fetch waterbottles for me. I won 5 Tours, he never even won a stage. He rides as a domestique or not at all!" Neither Axel Merckx nor Axel Rose could be reached for comment.

But the fun shan't stop there. With the powering on of the Large Hadron Collider, the very fabric of the space-time continuum is now called into question. Preliminary reports indicate that Fausto Coppi and Jacques Anquetil have both been spotted swirling around in the ether and are in negotiations with several big teams in anticipation of staging comebacks.

Rumors of a return to the peloton by Miguel "Big Mig" Indurain have proven to be unfounded. Indurain has been determined unfit to return to racing by software technicians who have been unable to update the firmware in his CPU and have found that most of his joints are completely fused from neglect while he has been in storage. They did not rule out building a completely new Indurain v2.0 at some future date.

Lastly, Le Blaireau, Bernard Hinault may have to lay off the bread and cheese for a while if he hopes of even spotting his ideal riding weight on the distant horizon. But never fear, last reports indicate that Laurent Fignon no longer sports the pony tail that cost him the 1989 TdF by 8 seconds and that when convinced of the superior performance advantages of an aero helmet, he will be unstoppable!